Homo Dives Disease

Charlie Starts Fires
5 min readDec 2, 2020

Homo Dives Disease is a little-known malady with widely misunderstood symptoms and unfathomably horrific consequences. Sadly, this illness is coveted by millions who lack a fundamental knowledge of its concomitant tragedies. At first glance, HDD may appear enjoyable, especially to patients who suffer from chronic Essentialslavitis*. This is merely a trick of the mind, however; the latter would be profoundly remiss to trade places with the former. Terminal in males, HDD is commonly hereditary, though this is not the only way it is transmitted. The final stages of HDD are so disquieting for loved ones who bear witness as to render them with acute amnesia. Unable to recall the events that leave them with chronic PTSD, blurred nightmares and clouded flashbacks prove ruinous to their lives, forever after. How can one heal from the unknown ghost of trauma? Friends and family so unfortunate as to fall into the deceased’s wealth have their fates sealed for them. With no anamnesis for the worst of it, relatives of the recently perished may eagerly claim an inheritance for themselves and, unwittingly, also be willed the same tragic end, in the circle of fuckery.

HDD is heralded by apparently good tidings, from ego’s and avarice’s standpoint. Desire can be very appealing when one does not know better. Attention and feigned respect also hold a certain deceptive charm. A comorbid impunity to societal rules of law is convenient if nothing else. Surrounded by sycophants, patients will quickly develop an overwhelming sense of entitlement, resulting in critically impaired cognitive function and significantly diminished empathy. Personality disorders, usually present prior, are highly exacerbated as patients advance in stages of this ailment. A clogged colon and, at the opposite end, diarrhea of the mouth, evolve within weeks. When examined under microscope, aforementioned anal blockage can be observed as a mass of tightly compacted “get out of jail free cards”, invisible to the naked eye, yet effective, all the same (one can even see a tiny monopoly guy in prison garb and shackles on a microscopic level). When entitlement, impunity, cognitive impairment, and shriveled empathy are combined with these defecation deficiencies, subjects become wildly confused and exceedingly aggressive. Abusive behaviors progress rapidly, with no accountability for such.

As infirmity advances, patients can no longer claim solace in former delusions of grandeur, nor can they find distraction from their grim, ever-looming fate. Putrid boils growing on the genitals, perineum, and rectum signify the beginning of the end of this sad story. Rot and decay of the reproductive organs is inevitable. Referred to by the layman as “burnt match dick” and “snatch puke bucket”, the latter term comes from the appearance of the vulva as it caves in on itself, bile-esque in color and oozing, chunky remnants of decomposing muscle tissue, exposed. The overzealous nature of simultaneous fungal and bacterial infections eating away at the vaginal canal turn it a nauseating yellow-green, as boils explode in excruciating fashion. This gives the impression, some would say, of a years-neglected frat house toilet. Such sights have been, in recent years, shocking and terrifying gynecologists of the rich and, in double entendre of its common namesake, eliciting vomit from even the most of hardened physicians among them.

Similar happens to the male genitalia, although it is mechanically different, resulting in the involuntary evacuation of the penis and testicles. It originates in the scrotum. As abscesses erupt and corrosive pusses exude forth, the fragile tissue of the epididymis surrounding the testes sloughs away like some stinking, foul, candle wax. With nothing to secure the spermatozoa-producing organs in place, they, quite literally, hang by a thread of the delicate vas deferens. The afflicted spends the rest of his short life praying for the sweet release of death, but if gods are real, they are unmoved. Final departure will not be found through desperate plea, any more than mercy will. Salvation is a fairy tale. What befalls the unlucky patient seems… less than kind. The muscle of the penile shaft turns a marbled statue of deep purple and gangrene as it grows to an unstoppable erection, remarkably larger than previously capable. The culmination is a frightfully grand irony, as men who suffer HDD tend to have pre-existing symptoms of Needledick Overcompensationitis**. The glans swells enormously in congruence with the shaft, turning the blackest eggplant. When it reaches 10cm in diameter, this indicates that the baby bird is ready to leave the nest and fly on its own. The over-engorged phallus will “go off” in one final, gloriously-catastrophic display, devastating all who behold its beautiful, macabre swan song. In a bleak mockery of male climax, pressure builds behind the appendage until it can no longer remain attached. It bursts forth and is propelled distally, as if by sheer strength of will to remove itself from failing host, a truly awe-inspiring spectacle. The distance that the organ gets is impressive, in kind of a ghastly way.

This crescendo of male ego has been likened to a roman candle, a cacophony of pure terror. First comes a sickening, sizzling sound, almost as though a fuse has been lit. Within seconds, the outer appendage begins humming in a manner that can be described as… unsettling. Symphonically following, a loud POP! is accompanied by the sound of a pressure cooker releasing, or a tea kettle boiling. The entire exhibit is a magnificent fireworks celebration of the man who once was. Patients are left with an exposed, mutilated urethra that no longer serves any function other than causing inconceivable dolour. The area is reduced to the form of a hideous, shriveled, burnt matchstick left in the toilet. Once this process has begun, it is impossible stop, or even slow. This illness is terminal in males, without exception. 100% of these cases end in suicide, with murder-suicide being most common. Precursors like sociopathic tendencies and Needledick Overcompensationitis leave the patients’ (ex and/or current) wives/girlfriends and their subsequent offspring at extreme risk. These women should remove themselves immediately, or, at minimum, send their children away to safety. Women have a much lower mortality rate with “snatch puke bucket”. It is theorized that testosterone in male patients floods the brain without sex organs and drives them to madness, known as the advanced stage of HDD/NDO: Burnt Matchdick Overcompensationitis***.

*Essentialslavitis presents with tremendously laborious efforts towards the benefit of others at great expense to a patient’s physical and mental health. Simultaneously, patients will lack basic necessities, clean food, clean water, adequate shelter… A moment’s respite is the most severely needed and the least obtainable for those afflicted with such.

**We are all too familiar with this illness. A list of symptoms is not warranted, in this case.

***Terminal phase of Homo Dives Disease and comorbid Needledick Overcompensationitis



Charlie Starts Fires

Master of Time and Space, Prisoner of Mind and Body #IStartFiresWithMyWitticisms #AndMyFlamethrower #YouCantCancelMeIQuit #UnpopularOpinionsFromUnpopularPPL